pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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