I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
