No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
