I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
