Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
