So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
