I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
