I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
