I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
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you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
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I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He shit in the fireplace
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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