Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I need a burrito and a hug.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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