So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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