I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
