is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
