Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
