he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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