Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
