Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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