I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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