Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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