I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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