That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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