I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
