Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
