Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
