Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
