So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
