I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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