Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
