don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
