The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
