I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
