i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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