I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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