i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
