so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize