The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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