Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
