Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
