a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I love having hate sex.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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