Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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