My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
