So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
