I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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