Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
