Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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