i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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