; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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