Duck Duck Cougar?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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