I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
