i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
