Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
