he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you inspire me to be a worse person
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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