Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
