i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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