walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
