i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
