I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
