This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
