I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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