Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
