I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
