...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
