My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
