Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
